Deciphering ..

 Many thoughts are born in my head...not knowing their cause but they have a purpose which i can't sort out...every time i decide up on something they go in to

 war in my head ,at first i could feel that it was between good and bad but now i have even failed in my attempts to classify them..the flares of ego tells me," its all yours and how can they be bad"...yes to accept i have thoughts that dare to walk past the lines of goodness in to the kingdom of bad seems intolerable so i decide to shelter all under one roof and i called them the reflections of the so called world around which myt be their cause ...there is a rising hatred towards many steps i took in ma path,the decisions i failed to voice out in time,the constant haunting from the world of ailments that make me succumb to illness,my uncaring ways of taking care of myself,my choices,my judgement about people and places that slap at my face back,the unseeked and unwanted emotional attachments and importance i give for people ,my ways to attract the undesired limelight in to my life,the all events which tore apart the happy girl i was...the downfall from the zenith of my own happy life in to the land where i wander down to find an identity ,which i seem to have forgotten,the shining  past has dissolved away in to the monochromes of black that rules my world...my thoughts echoe all that to me....but perhaps there is hidden a golden tread among all the dust that is right now hovering about in air...with time it will settle down and i will see the steps that shall make me traverse through this land ..walk in to the realms of my identity ,rekindle the fire of lost dreams ...cause from now on am living my life.. set by my rules ...as they say to be happy is a choice and yes i chose to be one!!! :)

NEW CITY part 1

what  pops up in your mind when u decide to leave a land so familiar and fly out to nest in a new terrain?? From the coziness of your hub ,u decide to walk out, to explore the treads of the new city . Maybe there is a trace of doubt,elements of fear,the time gap to sync in with the new place,people ,food,climate,language,mannerisms,behavior,outlook  and lot more..Well I had all that and they kept on surfacing  now and then .At times I regretted having to force myself in to adapting to the new set of situations I made for myself  and at times i did love getting lost in  the strangeness of the new city..totally alien to the roads that crisscrossed in my way,the echoes of the language i couldn't decipher,the people and their ways which at times i dreaded,the smiles that seemed all shallow,the occasional touch of heart from faces that were new,the advent of new names,tastes,landmarks,streets,places,friends, rituals...and much more seemed to await me in this journey.....
     From the start i knew the days ahead promised to be eventful,it reflected right from the ride to the railway station to clamber upon my train which was directed to trichur and from there i was to catch upon my Bangalore express...BANGLORE, the land that awaited me with all multitudes of colors which i was so determined to seek out in my six months internship ,the so called relief period from the schedules of college,the bounds of timeline ..the six months of off college training to mold me in to an architect(which i had ceased to become the moment i enrolled to be one ) whatever...the hopes were high up in air...i had my own personalized selfish reasons for striking off the training opportunity god's own country yielded..i underrated amma's tempting and alluring offers of my favorite cuisines and acha's assurance of giving me secured escort to work and back with a single word of "exposure " ..i told them in Kerala i lacked it and i was so keen to devour the whole concept of exposure which my dream city banglore assured!!!! so the deal was set...i was granted permission to set sail to banglore and they wanted me to grab my so called "exposure " to the full ,perhaps they had a grin hidden beneath cause they knew wat "my exposure " was which i thought they didn't...
        as i told, from the start events came pouring on my way...the ride to railway station was based on my innate ability to be late,the last minute delays of  forgetting to pack things and the unpacking process which resulted in order to stuff the newly discovered "wanted" items back in my trolley bag...the nostalgia which suddenly took root in me and made me glance upon everything in house with a deep feeling off missing...summing up i was superb late to catch the train...so the entire task and burden of making me catch the train was transferred to acha's ability to drive ..not drive "fly" the brio car with all its engine power so his daughter could get the "exposure"....we plodded on the calicut highway with all its beauty spots and rain lashing down as if to tell me a teary good bye ,navigating through the traffic festive blocks ,the cars ahead that seem to rule the road and objected to letting us pass,we managed to stroll through and finally when the last hoot of train rang out in air we reached ,picking up my bags chechy amma achan and me ran,literally it looked like a race(if you avoid the constant scoldings that echoed in air from the three sides ..of course directed at me :D )
we won and i finally boarded my first train in the series to take me to banglore...

PRIDE AT STAKE!!!

the media hypes will die out,the protests will cease,the debates will be wrapped away..she will be forgotten like the others who were once dominating the face of the victims of the inhuman acts.
for once won't these rapist ever get in to their conscience and realize the impact of the sin they have done or do they lack the traits that differentiate man from the beastly creatures??!!! its a collective blame on each and everyone who calls him or her an Indian. if ur mother, sisters and wife can't walk free on her own lands and has to be scared of the pouncing upon of those sexually obsessed male cannibals ,wat sort of morals did you imbibe???!!!!! if the very hands that has to protect is the one to be dreaded ,where are v heading to ??!!!!! she might get vanished away from the minds of many,but within every female she will dwell as a glowing fire of the nasty world around her ,as the strong promise to protect her kind and the high time to rebuild the judicial system and the need to go for beyond the capital punishment!!! we surely want justice!!! v demand justice!!!!
-angered and hurt @delhi rape incident-

love : an introspection

The words still echoed within me,but every time they voiced out , a seemingly practical brain started  to question out the genuinity of the said words and a not so pleasant emotion began to take root in me.
                yeah,that was not the first time i had heard that..there were incidents, people before too, who perhaps knew to put it in more flowery ,so called alluring ways, but i had dismissed all that in one word either with a " SORRY " or with a big "NO " and walked away without even having a trace of those "expressive monologues " within me. but this time i was" Thinking " and that definitely proved that this was going to be all different and i had to be on guard ,on guard about my own emotions rattling inside. There were multitudes of emotions  being mixed ,brewed and stirred and the end result was that i had come up with an emotion which was totally strange to me , a first time experience but it was suffocating ...I seemed to be deprived  of oxygen in one second  and next a happy feeling seeps in which gives away to anger, doubt ,confusion and starts off with suffocation all over again !! somewhere i did relish having it within and somewhere fear seemed to be high up in air ...

               Getting acquainted to this new emotion which seemed to be traversing up and down ,lashing against my heart ,hovering over my thoughts and erasing away the rationality of my brain was all the more difficult. i have heard people discuss ,describe,argue,debate and lecture on the dilemmas ,the "pros and cons" ,the consequences,the wonders, the mishaps of this so called "unpleasant "emotion..or is it just an emotion???something which seems to surface up and die out? or is there a constant graph tie up ?or does it rise up to the peak  and then just succumb to gravity and dies out ???a little thought in to it and questions seemed to pile up ,no wonder the hype around this indescribable
thing is always there...right from the time Adam and eve entered in to the picture!!! then
there was the time of "romeo and Juliet" who once adorned the face of true love and people all over   hailed the deep love they shared.The sacrifice,turmoils ,the endless tears,the daring acts all in the name of love ,for the sake of love  moulded the then concept of the people and shaped it with divine dimensions which only got itself adultered in the later period..we find trust getting cracks and finally ripping apart from many relations, the tales of extramarital affairs  sprouted up, love became momentous and perhaps it coincides with the time people called the modern age or our beloved 21st century!and yeah modernism definitely demanded change to be a continuous aspect and how could people possibly stick on to one person ,one love when change was inevitable???!!!
so the world moved on and then it was all over..in papers, fictions,poems ,movies ..all announced the changed patterns of love or rather the present attires of love..love became a contract ,the period specified, the Claus defined and the so called "inseparable couples" separate happily and in no time nest in with their own new "inseparable " partners and that's when love is associated  largely with  the word "PRACTICALITY "  rather than care,love ,sincerity  or its synonyms ...
a peep in to the fact sheet of love and that's what i could decipher.there were ultra new concepts,theories,ideologies that were born out in love and it even seemed too hard for my rationality,morality and my thoughts to even understand,so i decided to set them apart and examine what i could grasp about the unexplainable ocean that swirled around" love"..to dive in seemed a bad idea,to step out seemed lot like cowardice and i was in continuous debate with myself.heart and brain seemed have totally opposite view points and my little body seemed to explode off due to all heat and pressure that swelled up within.
          At some point i hated myself for not dumping and cremating his words but all seemed too late as i had tiptoed in to the large expanse of love,unsure of the trails i took, the path that was ahead, the armour which i had failed to build around my heart,the tactics of the new phase of love which i dreaded and all those weapons to build up the "practical love " which i never possessed because i knew i hated the love i had seen around and was willing to pay the price if i had made the wrong choice...thus despite all precautions,cautions,warnings,advices,and all those rational thinking  i walked in to the empire of love ...unarmed ...inexperienced....
            coming in to the reality of having succumbed to this emotion seemed quite hard but once my happy heart took in charge and confronted with the practical brain everything seemed to make sense.
the suffocation,anger,dilemma,and fear all dissolved away in to thin air and an extra joyful heart remained...brain decided to retreat but came up with warning pop ups  now and then..just to assure that my love diseased heart would not fall head over heels and always kept in check...

all these remained just within me and he seemed unaware of the impacts of the ripples he had left in me...perhaps that's the beauty of love..things unsaid seemed to communicate more..in its vastness everything could be unleashed...at times there is the despair of things not falling right...the feeling of unwanted, the hopes that are dashed but somehow the magic of love gets to  wash away  all those scars and  paint in red.. blood red ,the colour of love and then ignoring the warnings of brain the heart slips in to the core of love and that's when you fall head over heels and then i knew i would eventually believe his words and my lips gave away in to a smile ,the reason known just to me and among the clueless crowd i was smiling and perhaps he too would know... ;

 

from heaven for me...

the unexpected bliss that seeped within me, as the spell of magic ,the shower of happiness poured down from the blue ..it has been days since i was longing for the sight, the desire to switch from the sunny days ,to get wet to the brim ,to sweep away the brown and to feel the lush green ,sparkling after a rejuvenating bath...the music of thunder drums ,the occasional flashes that accompanied all ascertains that nature has no parallel and forever i will remain a slave to rain ,a lover of all its wonders...
...coudn't stop writing when it rained after days of just sun..watching rain through the hostel window..@cet,trivandrum

clueless..

Right now when i sit here with ma lap wide open , with all the keys awaiting their turns to be pressed on ,to set them into each other's company so that they can form words to constitute the sentence i want to frame...but for all that i need to know what i got to pen down. its not that the events failed to turn up in ma life or the sad story of monotony that is driving me in to the question ,the dilemma of what to ooze out of the piled up stock of things that had found its way to me is making me all stranded.there were many times i felt like if i could just sit back and place them out ,i did fear them outgrowing  time and vanishing away in to the dusty corners of ma memory library where at times i take a silent stroll only to discover there were always there but never echoing their presence. perhaps it may be because they knew there will be a time when i would long their company and retrace them back.. its been really long since i made a post,not that the blog visits were rare ,but most of the things failed to get their completed forms and remained in draft..then there arose the waves of confusion of whether to end their prison age and let them free or to leave them in shackles for now and to give birth to the new...but whatever it was there was a tight suffocation taking root in me.somewhere i felt guilty for never letting them feel the light , and i assured to myself that sooner i will end their torture as the pain of the new birth was much more intense..but the moment i was all set to unleash them out they disappeared without even bidding me a bye...right now its just their traces that is in me..                                                                      
                                                       having completed a sem which altered my views about not just architecture but lot more.the eventful zonasa.the classic usual night out sagas, the comfort and companionship that extended throughout,the loneliness that blinked now and then,the discoveries about people around, the happiness of listening to ma heart and a promise to plod on whatever it is ..spread smiles ..hoping to set ma blog in motion again... happy blogging and yeah thnx for being there till the end...:)

enslaved

every time i step in to the shadow of silence,i hear them...
they rattles within me,
their lament is suppressed by  my silence,
their voice echoes my past,the shades of happiness lingers in them....
memories to which i had lost the key to..
but every time i hold hands with the inner me,i know they are still there,
the tears that flow testimonies that forever i will belong to them...
a slave to my lost dreams.........